I haven't kept up with these goals too well. They still weigh on my mind. I feel like I want to eat better - but I also hate giving up things that I love. I would say those extra 15lbs are still hanging on. They don't necessarily bother me a whole lot in how I look but in what they represent - an inability to master something and an obvious lack of self-control.
I've been reading Gretchen Rubin's book about better habits this week. It's given me something to think about. It's helpful to know that forming new habits isn't impossible for me - but it's important to take into account my personality and how I function - what motivates and drives me. For me it's definitely external accountability. A contest, a coach, some skin in the game - those things make a difference for me. If I just try to motivate myself I can talk myself out of anything. For some reason, it's okay to break promises to myself but not to other people. But just telling myself to be a different person this time isn't going to work - so I'll have to give this some thought.
I have been doing better in some areas in my life. I eat less sweets over all. I exercise more in general, though not as consistent as I'd like to get - progress is being made. I've been clearing out time for my physical upkeep as I've realized that it will take just as much effort and is just as important as my spiritual upkeep. I have to allow myself to take time for my health. I usually find myself bouncing from one mom activity to another but I don't have to do that.
I think our family meals are healthier in general. Compared to 15 years ago I cook almost completely from scratch. I've had to simplify what we eat as I don't have time to make a homemade cream of whatever soup to put in a casserole. So we eat whole foods in some combination that can be prepared in about 30 minutes. Sometimes this is hard to figure out. And often it feels more like hors de'oeuvres than a meal, but the point is to nourish my family, not to be a gourmet cook on a busy Thursday night.
I would say my main issue today is that I probably eat too much. I like food. I love the flavors. I can never get enough of something I like. I eat fast and can scarf down an insane amount of food before my stomach and my brain have coordinated and sent that feeling of being full. So my current goals involve exercising more and eating slower and watching how I feel. Sometimes I eat not because I'm hungry, but because it's time to eat again and it's a convenient time to feed myself. I wonder if keeping a Larabar handy for future eating would help me just wait until I was actually hungry? Why do I have this fear of being hungry? I have never been without food - what am I so worried about? Would counting bites help?
Desserts are still the bane of my existence. Even healthy ones that supposedly fill you up and satisfy your sweet tooth. Flourless chocolate cake on my counter? I chip away at it all day until it's gone. Kids made chocolate chip cookies? I'll grab one and pop it in my mouth when I'm making breakfast and then want another and another all morning long till I feel somewhat ill. I read recently about something called binge eating - it's not bulimia because there's no purging involved - it's just overeating. I can relate to that. I don't do that all the time, but I'm definitely not the type that can moderate very easily. I do better when the sweets are not in my house. I can eat a moderate amount of dessert at a restaurant because people are watching and I don't want to go back and order more - I guess this fits the idea of needing external accountability.
However, I don't like feeling like I have no sense of SELF-control and SELF-mastery. I feel that those are traits that we are sent here to earth to develop on some level. To be able to control our wants, appetites, passions and desires. Which makes me think that all the self-help reading in the world won't help me solve this problem. In some ways it is probably a spiritual problem also and I need to ponder how to go about receiving the Lord's help to accomplish these changes.
So those are where my thoughts are right now.
